I have, once again, alphabetized my journal entries, this time for the month of October, 2024. Self-indulgent? Maybe, but if I don’t indulge myself, who else is gonna do it? It’s taken me so long to listen, and the insights have been amazing for me. What do I say when I’m talking to myself? Now I know.
October 2024
The Need to Have Fire
A bad ghost to me is one that causes fear or sadness in the haunted. Accessible practice for ending the suffering of the world = Boddhisatva.[1] A collective memoir of kinfolk and astrology. A drop in class in Sellwood for ages two to six. A ghost need not be traumatic. A is for ancestors, and alphabet, I used to think. A is for autumn, and abundance, and right now what we are harvesting is the joy of well-being, of belonging to the little circle of the sun we each call our own, our one wild and precious life.
A kid crammed fistfuls of candy into their mouth—really no other way to describe it—at least three times, to the irritation of an increasingly distraught parent, the dad, I think. All my clothes are comfortable and I can put clean ones on any time I want. All typed in and sent. Almost all of my friends belong to one of the aforementioned categories. Always paying attention to what’s emergent, the growing edge.
A natural homecoming is awakened.[2] And all I have read so far is NEPTUNE IN 1st HOUSE and oh my stars. And all kinds of confirmation bias and self-fulfilling prophecy can be part of it too. And followed it up with gleeful tones ringing through me like a bell. And haunting in some ways gets a bad rap. And herb processing and peppers and garlic to plant and books to read. And I can wear the same clothes today and tomorrow and the next day too if it’s working. And it’s just the most addictive story cheese ever. And it will become part of why I love Portland, how we lost the Market Club but got Montage, and lost Montage and got the Mont. And mine surely shone there, as a teacher and as a trainer…both of which I did in a very Leo way. And movies to see. And music to make. And pots to move. And the rage of responsibility. April 14th. A sentence 62+ years in the making. Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance indeed.
At 1:00 we commenced nap time like at school—he has drawing materials (well, a pink legal pad, a blue pencil, a blue glitter pen…have to work with what we have got).
Back porch. Because I have this in my heart-mind, I could just plug into the Great Turning and the Work that Reconnects.[3] Being in relationship with ancient ones and future ones.[4] Being the teacher and the trainer both stemmed from being the big sister. Be open to feedback loops in living systems.[5] Beyond private salvation. B is for boys, bedrooms in Haunted Houses… Breakfast with Shawn under a cedar tree outside at the Mont. Broom of shared story.
But all the sunny hours are pulling me outside as fast and hard as they can, among the hummingbirds and the bees who are starting to get angry. But always the connection, the all encompassing now. But at least I can talk to MacKenzie about it. But having a nice morning anyway. But in truth, I work in the garden every day from probably May to November and she doesn’t see that, and she doesn’t see any of the stuff with starts. But somehow I never really thought about that in terms of taking freedom and responsibility for myself. But 10thhouse sun sees career and public role as one aspect of a person’s life –the place where the sun will shine. But the few who weren’t, I hope I showed up for them too. But the one person I did not consistently show up for? But the truth is, there’s nothing I’d rather be doing than this. But what we’re made of are the people who love us.
Call the dentist. Chani and Jonathan Dent, two astrologers I follow on Instagram, both use equal house systems instead of Placidus. Chiron in Pisces in 5th house. C is for cancer, Cookie, Chip, Chuck, Carly, cards, cousins. Cleaned the basement stairs. Clothesline. Coiling up so that I can get enough momentum and leverage to release and fly out the door. Compassion, capacity to be with suffering without turning away.[6]Complicated realities. Corbett: Responses from doubt, the ancestors, the future, on your intention.[7] Critics of astrology say oh those things are so vague, they just write something and you want to believe it so you find parts that sound true.
Dance class with Milo. Dave fell into an interstellar tunnel of love during his orgasm this afternoon, and I felt it. Dave is a whole story onto himself. Dave lit the bathroom candle for me and when the votive was depleted, at my behest he lit the purple candle in the flame star silver holder. Dave uses it a lot and that’s part of why she adores him. Delila’s book! Dependent Co-Arising. Dependent Co-Arising means no hierarchy.[8] Didn’t attempt. Didn’t get to this until later. D is for Dana, Dad, dreams.
Education, philosophy, travel—my own education too, Reed, AMI, Loyola, Whitworth. E is for Elise, eggs. Embodied vs. ableist.
Family astrology. Family poetry book. F is for friends, Fitzgeralds, Fisher-Price. Follow up letter to Laura, poetry. For myself too. Freedom and Responsibility for life. From privatized amnesia to dependent co-arising.[9] Front porch. Full Aries Hunter Moon.
Gardened a lot. GG and Milo help to shape the environment in profound ways. Ghosts. G is for ghosts, Grandma. Going Forth.[10] Grateful for my grief. Gratitude. Growing into new sovereignty.
Harvest.
black medic
camellia leaves
cannabis
sage
savory x 2
7 kinds of thyme
shiso
tarragon x 2
Have to sit on this a while. Having a slight reaction, a sinus headache and aching feet mostly, to the combo flu / Covid shot I have. Healed by music, active hope, grief work. [11] He doesn’t want to need people—he wants to create his own security. He explores the way we talk about our fear, how we teach our children, what unspeakable darkness shows up in our dreams, what our scary movies look like. He paused in the doorway of the north end room, which sometimes, despite his wincing snobbery about it, got called the TV room. He was already working from home when the pandemic fortressed us at Grace Hall.
Her diet must be so boring if she isn’t into cooking these days. Here in the Hedgerow, I am living my best life. Her legacy of collaboration and hope—such a graceful passing on. He will be right in the middle and I think it will be fun. Hi Frida. Hi Georgia. H is for Huneke, Hickory Lane. Holding both the long past of their ancestors and the future of everybody. Honoring our pain for the world.[12] Honoring our pain for the world is medicine for that. How will it be for the School for the Great Turning, and Lydia herself? How will the Work that Reconnects handle her death? Human Being, Human Been. Human nature.
I am adapting things, considering it as “any writing before noon,” and counting letters and Insta posts and even texting, but really I’d like to slope into truly working on something daily. I am becoming more comfortable with my aging body. I am in an ecosystem of knowledge and gifts and I bring myself and what I’ve got.[13] I am my own muse. I am smoking the little old pot we grew and cut first. I am struggling with my own sense of not wanting to write something that’s not Insta worthy. I am writing in the light of the purple candle, knowing the need to have fire.
I bought You Were Born for This and I will commit to undertake a new perusal, see how I might see myself…and I want to do Chip and Jas and Jo too, more than anyone else in the world rn…Identified the Canadian fleabane. I feel like I gotta go…signs galore… If we are fluent in astrology and we trust ourselves and our astrologer, then we will get something from what we see in our natal charts or our progressions.
I had liked that plant—I had given her that plant—and maybe I will get another for her birthday. I hadn’t spent a full summer at home in at least a dozen years. I had so much romantic pain in my youth and I don’t want that anymore. I had to embody that dream and dig my way deep into myself, my ashes, my furrows, my kin. I had wine last night but just one glass—usually we enthusiastically finish the bottle on Tuesday nights but lasts night was the vice presidential debate, so Sue and Dave ate quickly and she went home with a quarter of a quiche.
I have already sprinkled sunflower seeds, collected feverfew and cosmos and beans, barefoot on the chilly ground—briefly—then slippered. I have enough music—because it takes a lot of music for me to be my best self. I have opportunities to honor the four directions. I have spent many hours sunbathing—the Stephen King book is 18 hours and that will have been spent trimming cannabis and otherwise mingling in the sun. I have to start talking to myself about myself, as Louisa from Sticks and Stones Press.
I is for inlaws. I like to believe that I showed up for my mother and my kids, my sister and brother. I’ll do it. I love my haircut. I’m the mother. I might move the pineapple sage to where it can get more light, maybe to the back of the hedge bed. I miss the eggs and feel a little sad that that is the way Dave wants to try to lower his cholesterol. Inheritance. In North Carolina, life was organizing itself to prioritize life.[14] Intelligence and integrity in this work. Impulse to do something about it. Intention. I planted two violas, I think both blue, into her pots.
I read it from the library in 2020 when it first came out but mostly I was enamored of her gorgeous hot fearless eloquence on Insta. I really have to call Jo today! I show up for him fervently in many ways but he is quite independent and self-sufficient. Is it a lesson in Cosmic Education? I strung peppers. I talked about all this to MacKenzie too and she loved how it showed that astrology is an intuitive tool of self-knowledge and imagination.
I think I found a dance class for Milo and me, something with joy in the title. I think it’s a great place for them at the north end of the front of the cottage, where her big pot is in front of the trellis. I think of it like throwing the shotput, he said. I think that will be five generations of Aries women on my dad’s mom’s mom’s side.
I took that on bravely, pretty young, for children, for my parents, for Chip and Dana.
It’s a language. It’s hard when what she wants is to be reminded of what she’s lost. It’s taken a while for us to adjust to the new daily, weekly, monthly, seasonal, and annual rhythms. It’s understandable that the earth would react to harm upon her body.[15] It’s your inner self-knowledge doing the work which is why it doesn’t work for people who aren’t open to woo or who don’t want to know. I used to show up for my job, my school, my students, MNW, my colleagues, my professional community.
I want MacKenzie and Funkoven to write about my decision to switch to equal houses. I want them to see whether they want to or not. I want to be connected to her through her passing. I want to give that world to someone else. I was always cared for. I was only letting myself pick one so that the rest could go to seed.
J is for Jas, Jo, Junior, Jessica, Judy. Jo and Noah making housemate decisions, today, or yesterday. Jasper was born on my nana’s birthday and I think they met once, is that right?
Kate Winslet has three kids from three different marriages to men. K is for Kate.
Letters are the answer right now. Letters give us the connections and the control over our own story. Letters to all of the Sticks and Stones kin and beyond. Letting go of ideas about myself. Leverage point in systems: Move at the speed of relationship. [16]Like everything else that scares us, horror is made out of our ancestor’s bad dreams, betrayals, broken hearts and broken bones. Lisa Marie was also married three times—Danny Keogh, Michael Jackson, Nicholas Cage. L is for Louisa. Listened to some Joanna Macy today, and some Lydia / deep ecology yesterday. Living in a haunted house. Love-haunted houses.
MacKenzie had a comparison to Kate Winslet and then People had an article about her and her new movie Lee, about a woman photographer. MacKenzie’s posts have gone next level. Maybe part of what I need to let go of is the Placidus house system I started using in 7th or 8th grade, switch to equal houses like Chani and Jonathan Dent.
Maybe the Hunekes are sticks by default. Maybe we will take her to the Apple Fest for her birthday. Milo and his gallop and skip. Milo and the new body oil. Milo here by 8:30 and we were asleep…it’s been non-stop ever since. Milo off to school—we have him overnight on Friday. M is for MacKenzie Marie, mack. Mother equals interdependence.[17] Most people in the city rush around so, they have no time to look at a flower.[18] Move the fuchsias too, none did well this year except Sue’s on the table by the door, slightly moved now. Mutual enlightenment—no private salvation.[19] Mutually empowering. My aunt Carla was the Aries of her generation. My couch is orthopedic. My friend Insta. My heart like a kick drum. My love like a voice.[20] My natural mode is the letter, I think. Myself. Mystery boy.
The Nature of Hearts. Ninth house sun made me think about my Montessori work as mission driven. N is for Nanas, all of them. No private salvation. No punishment for doing it wrong. Not exactly morning pages. North den, south den, east windows, west porch. Not the only helpful framework for this work. Not representing anyone but myself. Now I am taking on seeing myself through the lens of equal houses as an honoring of this transformation into Nana, Louisa, and the rest.
October 5th 2024: Happy Birthday Annie Nilan. October 6th. October 7th. October 8, 2024. October 9, 2024. October 12. October 16, 2024. October 18th, 2024. October 26. October 30th. October 31st.
Oh and a 4th marriage and the birth of twins. O is for orgasms. Our magical and intuitive practices include tarot, astrology, journaling, art, music, dance, Montessori, nature play, herbalism, gardening, letter writing, book sharing, and family lore. Our time, our sleep, our kin, our food.
Pain awakens the healing response.[21] Painting on kraft paper with Milo. Patreon for Sticks and Stones Press? People also had an article about Lisa Marie Presley who has a daughter Riley who has a daughter Tupelo. P is for Palmetto Road, pot, pea soup. “Practical Magic” is playing at Tomorrow Theatre on Saturday. Public role.
Q is for quilts.
Riley helped Lisa write her memoir, just like I am giving voice to Valerie and Skip’s story. Riley says: I want this book to make clear the ‘beauty been’ that was my mother. R is for Robin. Rocky with Delila. Root in the awe of being here now, as all the wisdom traditions teach us.[22] Rosa and her husband heading north.
School for the Great Turning. Seeing with new and ancient eyes, perceiving in new and ancient ways. [23]Sending it to her. She and Chip should watch “Heavenly Creatures.” She is all about her beautiful hair. She lives in Grace Hall. She sees Dave’s efforts, yes. She talked about rancid energy. Shifts in relationships…endings. Siddhartha touched the earth, which rumbled…[24] S is for sex, Scorpio. Skip’s DNA, his legacy, his spirit, is in Milo. Small islands of coherence in a sea of chaos.[25]
Smoking homegrown and listening to the hummers. So important to have that confirmed along with the embracing of a 10th house (career and public roles) sun. So inspiring. Solar Eclipse in Libra. So many beautiful children I knew. So many times I have offered her flowers for her house, and she has refused the responsibility, saying she had nowhere to put them. Somebody’s got to wipe the world’s nose, I once wrote. Some of us are haunted by love. So much garlic to plant. So much trimming to do. So much insight into the Outsider. So that’s the spiral, 45 years in the making.[26] Spell for Althea and the babies. Stephen King says hey, how do you think the horror got here?
Sticks and Stones can include letters like Laura’s Luck did. Sticks and Stones letter to Chip and Dana. Storm or squall of shared story.
Sue decided to pick all the peach-colored nasturtiums yesterday. Sun in the 10th house, after all, the shine was on my work for sure. Swept twice.
Talk to Laura. That’s why I had to be Nanabell. The astrological insights are coming fast and furious. The authority to pursue enlightenment comes from the belonging to reality / now/ embodied presence.[27]
- The creative environment begins with the experience of the body.
- The wellbeing of the body.
- The safety of the body.
- The health of the body.
- The pleasure of the body.
- And also the fears, wounds, traumas of the body.
- Pain can be a powerful muse, and so can grief.
- Gotta love the sad songs.
The fruiting body of a mycelial ancestral web. The journal is the child’s story. The Lion Sleeps Tonight. The Mother of All Buddhas and the Boddhisatva.[28] The nasturtium is climbing along with pale pink morning glory. Theodore Talk. There is so much to do in our house and garden always—I do wonder why I resent so much her little dramas but I don’t even really want to give my time to the resentment. There’s something here about honoring our pain for the world, beyond just therapeutic.[29] The room will always tell you how to be relevant.[30] These are the on-line communities I’m talking about, interested in growing with, School for the Great Turning and The Evolved Nest. The Storied Garden. The systems theory is vital.[31] They’re all practices to heal and hold our adult imagination.[32] They were used to this, the burst of shared story that arose between them.
This is Louisa, of Sticks and Stones Press. This in my case changes a lot, puts my sun in the 10th instead of the 9th, moves the moon into 3rd. This is between me and myself for sure. This puts Neptune in the first house of self, body, appearance, vitality…
TIL is one of my favorite abbreviations. T is for Tom. To be both the recipient and gift.[33] Today I came so hard and joyfully that I yelled oh yeah it’s all up in my belly! Tooth fixed? To take stock of abundance is a radical political act necessary for healing and dislodging late stage capitalism. [34] To which I say, EXACTLY.
Transplanted her tiny succulents and violets into a different pot and tossed the lemon balm and that weird stick thing which she did manage to keep alive a whole year later than the Lenten rose she kind of mangled, keeping it in the shade and cutting off its leaves. Trust Dave. Trust grace. Trust now. Truth Mandala: Where I found my hagstone hiding. Twice I wondered if my bracelet was a watch. Twining with the Mingles.
Walked. Washed Dave’s jeans and socks. We are absolutely still fine-tuning our prepared environments for our wellbeing, health, efficiency, and beauty.
We are all of us haunted by our ancestors, because our bodies were made by their lives, by their choices, by their fates. We are a small self-publishing collaboration and a kinship care collective. We are having Indian food from the cart at 6:00 with Virginia and Chaya will be here too, and then the three of us will go see the herbalist from Clary Sage and the movie Practical Magic at the Tomorrow Theater. We experience so much pleasure in our bodies, movement, music, art, food, touch, and we live in a time of great and epic storytelling so our imaginations and experiences also find expression and inspiration and nourishment in that.
We have a very sensual and playful marriage. Well now both my devices are dead and neither of my pens seem to be available and I haven’t done morning pages for a while. We talked about Patreon. We went grocery shopping and saw Kathryn Claire. We will see what’s relevant to us and leave the rest. What a perfect word.
What do I want to be doing? What phenomena of intelligence? What voice of the earth are we repressing because of our discomfort?[35] What you are given is what you give. What you give you are given. When you take a flower in your hand and really look at it, it’s your world for the moment.[36] When you trust writing. “White workshop culture.” Who knows? Why is it so fucking hard to write right now? Wild Horses. Wish I could talk to Chani about it, ha ha ha. Work that Reconnects. Wow wow wow look what happens.
Writing group? Writing, reading, gardening, mingling, parenting.
Your body is of the body of earth.[37] You just finished a multi-textured picture with the two blues you were given. Your pain for the world is holy.[38] You Were Born for This by Chani Nicholas has arrived. You were born for this.
[1] Lydia Violet
[2] Lydia Violet
[3] Lydia Violet
[4] Lydia Violet
[5] Lydia Violet
[6] Lydia Violet
[7] Lydia Violet
[8] Lydia Violet
[9] Lydia Violet
[10] Lydia Violet
[11] Lydia Violet
[12] Lydia Violet
[13] Lydia Violet
[14] Lydia Violet
[15] Lydia Violet
[16] Lydia Violet
[17] Lydia Violet
[18] Georgia O’Keefe
[19] Lydia Violet
[20] Avett Brothers
[21] Lydia Violet
[22] Lydia Violet
[23] Lydia Violet
[24] Lydia Violet
[25] Lydia Violet
[26] Lydia Violet
[27] Lydia Violet
[28] Lydia Violet
[29] Lydia Violet
[30] Lydia Violet
[31] Lydia Violet
[32] Lydia Violet
[33] Lydia Violet
[34] Lydia Violet
[35] Lydia Violet
[36] Georgia O’Keefe
[37] Lydia Violet
[38] Lydia Violet
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